The Mysteries of Falling In Love

Falling in love is a complicated human ability, including conscious and subconscious forces at work. Although we can chalk up falling in love with chemistry and attraction (pheromones, biology and such), there are much deeper reasons for why humans strive to attain love. Humans are wired to look for connection- it is a way for us to make sense of our lives, to share our lives with others and enrich our existence.

Falling in love is one of many ways to connect with another person, but we hope that developing love through that connection will provide an intensely satisfying, prolonged and lifelong experience. Through it, we can feel validated, which really means, adding meaning to our lives. Falling in love is one of the ultimate expressions of meaning-making and without meaning, what is life?

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Understanding and Expressing Love in Relationships

In relationship counseling we use an analogy that healthy love relationships run off of 6 tanks, love tanks, if you will, that fill up and deplete at different rates just by virtue of being in a relationship.. Those tanks in no particular order are- loving words, loving behaviors, gifts, bonding time, sex, future vision (planning for the future together) and physical intimacy.

You probably have an idea which tank is in which order for your partner- which one always seems empty and needs filling- and it’s not usually the one you’re spending the most time filling. Your partner may not need a lot of gifts, but they may need a lot of “I love you's” to understand that you love them.  And you might not be an I love you person- you might be a sex person or a future vision person. The conflict happens when you’re thoughtlessly trying to fill the sex tank when your partner’s I love you tank is empty. What happens next is each of you walking around feeling unloved and misunderstood in your relationship.

It takes intention to make sure you're checking in on each tank and it takes follow-through to check in and fill tanks consistently without overfilling or ignoring tanks that don't seem important to us until they're running on empty. If you are your partner is willfully ignoring the work it tanks to fill the "love tanks" then this might be a sign of emotional neglect- either on purpose (not as common as you'd think) or out of- well, let's say being out of shape rather than lazy.  In relationship therapy, we want to get you back into shape so you're able to love your partner and express your love needs/wants to your partner so they can love you back in a way that each of you understands and feels most safe and seen and heard.

MyTherapist New York offers psychotherapy for individuals, couples therapy, relationship counseling and sex therapy that is modern and effective.

Relationship therapy- Better to Forgive or Forget? Which is more important?

Forgive. Everything. Where “forgetting” something may or may not be something you can actually control, forgiveness is an active choice. In cognitive behavioral therapy we teach a concept called unconditional other acceptance which means this- no one is on the planet to serve you at your leisure. We're all here doing our best, and all each one as flawed as the next person.  This is true even for intimate relationships. You are flawed. Your partner is flawed. If you're demanding perfection in chores or sex or mind-reading, you're on the quick road to conflict.

In relationship counseling, sometimes we use scars and baggage as analogies when discussing concepts in psychology and self-help. Scars happen.  Scars can even be sexy for some people.  But open wounds- not so much.  So you might not forget that your partner was dishonest to you about something, for example, but you had better forgive them and let that wound heal over, getting you one step closer to unconditionally accepting/tolerating that people are not ever going to behave the exact way you want them to always and forever. Forgiveness is accepting, with grace, that yes, your beloved is/was just as flawed as you, your therapist, and everyone else on the planet.

MyTherapist New York offers modern, effective therapy for individuals (psychotherapy), relationship counseling and sex therapy in Manhattan.